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Nostalgic Memories

Written by Klaaru on 8/14/2024

This might be the longest blog post I've written so far, so strap in, this one's something I've been thinking on for a long time.

I've been playing a lot of Minecraft this past year or so, due to being a modpack developer and server host for a fairly large community. While working on the big update we've been waiting on forever, sometimes the game decides to play a particular track that just, gets to me, and to my surprise, it wasn't a C418 track, but one of Lena Raine's, "Endless". I've been playing Minecraft since May 9, 2012, the release date of Minecraft XBox 360 Edition, and had been watching YouTube videos about it for around 6 months before then. As you can imagine, I made a lot of memories playing that version on my XBox, with C418's music being permanently engrained into my memory because of it. I've recently been revisiting old versions of the game in my free time, trying to relive that feeling I had playing back then, but it always felt empty, and I could never quite put my finger on why, until the last time I heard "Endless".

I realize now that reliving those feelings is impossible. Those memories were from when I was only 12 to 16, with old friends that I've long since grown apart from. I'm an adult now, and Minecraft is a far different game than it was back then. I still play just as I did back then, but it'll never feel the same as it did years ago. At first, I felt devastated at this realization, even cried about it for a while, but later I realized that it's not a bad thing. Those memories and feelings are still with me, and always will be, they never truly went away, and attempting to recreate them is a fruitless endeavor, and that's completely okay.

I can make new memories, with new friends, new adventures, not just in Minecraft but in other games and experiences as well, and that's comforting. We live in a world that's just, absolutely fucked up, everywhere, and comforts like this are important to have. I'm a 24 year old adult that's stuck living with his mother because I can't hold a job, if I even get contacted after applying in the first place, and have so many disabilities and debilitating phobias that I can't even keep count anymore, sitting aroung feeling sad that old times are gone isn't going to help. I'm glad I've realized that having those memories isn't sad, but instead should be cherished, and that I should continue on, not clinging to the past so hard, but still holding onto it as a reminder that this world did have good times in it, despite how things are now.

My mother once told me that she was sorry for bringing me into this world, because of just how fucked up it had become in such a short span from my birth to that day. I told her she shouldn't be, because she could never have known what would happen by the time I became an adult, and that I've still had great times in my life, even if now it's not so great, I wouldn't want to be born later or earlier in time, I'm perfectly happy having been born when I was so I could have the experiences that I did.

I've written this whole blog in one sitting, while listening to "Endless" on repeat. I've brought myself to tears several times doing so, and that's okay. I had been raised being told by my father and his family that men shouldn't cry, that it's weak, but you know what? I don't care. Men can cry. I'm not even one, I'm non-binary. Anybody can cry, it's healthy to do so. Cry when things feel sad, because otherwise, it'll feel worse than just sad, it'll hurt.

I'm including an embed to Lena Raine's upload of "Endless" to YouTube, because of just how much it ended up impacting me and causing me to write this blog in the first place.